Fortran family

Fortan
COBOL
Visual Basic
Lua
Perl
C
SQL
Rust
Javascript
MUMPS

Know for practicality, presence of goto, 1-indexed arrays but mostly being useful for beginners. Dominate the industry but always seem to fall from grace because of crazy syntax and letting beginners abuse them in live code.

Smalltalk family

Smalltalk
Ruby
C#
PHP
Objective-C

a e s t h e t i c s

Bondage and Discipline family / Algol Family

Ada
Pascal
Haskell
C++
Eiffel
Common Lisp
Typescript
Java

Known for imposing discipline, having unreadable standards and instilling fear of the compiler. All these imposing languages have toxic, sick, stubborn and obsessive compulsive members who dream of being knighted by Dijkstra – peace be upon him – in heaven after they have won the holy war against everyone else.

Pro Tip: Easiest way to cause their meltdown is to say that array indexing must begin with 1, like everyday mathematics. Remind them that no one can implement the standards correctly and more importantly, that 99% of the sane programmers don’t fucking care about their boring scribbles.

Turtles all the way down family

Prolog
Scheme
Go
Elixir
Tcl
Mathematica
Self

These languages sacrifice virgins at the altar of purity. Use the word homo a lot, while trying to be iconic.

Do what you want family

Excel
Swift
Ocaml
R
Node-Red
Python
Forth
Assembly
Julia
D
Shell

These languages are just happy to be of service. Solve real problems but also talk less. Most apolitical languages around.

Typesetting languages

Tex
Markdown
Ps
Sphinx

but everyone just uses HTML these days.

Please use me languages

Elm
Nim
Crystal
V
Vala
Clojure
Kotlin
Rebol
Groovy
Scala

These languages promise to be your new quirky best friend.

I was your favourite once languages

BASIC
Logo
Scratch

you haven’t forgotten them, have you ?

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